My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
