Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
