Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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