At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
