Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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