I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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