Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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