last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
