I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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