the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
