I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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