I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
only if we run a train.
done.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
