I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
