And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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