we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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