Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
