I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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