i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
