With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
