I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
