I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
