I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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