apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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