Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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