i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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