Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
