Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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