i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
