The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
