i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
