I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I smell stomach acid.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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