I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
