I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
