I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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