the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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