My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
