i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
