Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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