I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
