Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
