Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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