I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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