Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
