well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
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