While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
