she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You are a genius and a whore.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
