If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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