its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My breasts were aching with rage.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
