I faked an abortion last night.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
