My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
