i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
